Dear Richard Madeley: ‘Our 32-year-old son wants to undergo hormonal treatment to become a woman’

Dear Richard,

Our 32-year-old son told us that he identifies as non-binary feminine and wished to undergo hormonal treatment to become a woman. (I’ll use male pronouns for now, as the treatment has not started.) He has undertaken 18 months of counselling with an NHS gender dysphoria specialist and has now been referred for further treatment. 

My wife and I love our son and have told him that we will always support him. However, his sister, and more specifically her partner, have concerns. My daughter’s mostly surround the possible side effects of the medication. Her partner, however, is somewhat less enlightened and I believe that his concerns are based on ignorance.

Is there a direction in which you can point us (our son-in-law) to assuage these misgivings?

— Anon, via email

Dear Anon,

I think you are attaching too much importance to what your son-in-law may or may not think about this unfolding family story. Frankly, at this stage he’s peripheral to it. The important players are your son, his sister, and you and your wife. All four of you are on board and sympathetic to your son’s resolve to transition. Your daughter’s concerns are purely technical/medical, and nothing to do with the principles behind the decision itself.

I suppose you could consult various sympathetic agencies and point your son-in-law in their direction – but be prepared for him to react negatively against what he perceives as being ‘managed’. In any case, at this stage I don’t think it’s necessary. He’s not making any silly threats or drawing lines in the sand. He’s just grumbling, largely out of ignorance.

I’m a great believer in the power of fait accompli. In this case, the four of you should take strength from your unity of purpose and mutual support. You’ll see this thing through together. Your son-in-law clearly needs more time to adjust to this new reality, so carry on leading by example. I’d be surprised if he doesn’t fall into line: force majeure, and all that. But I think you’ll carry the day.

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