‘Two years after my divorce, I still resent my ex-husband's behaviour’

Dear A&E,

I’ve been amicably divorced for two years but, increasingly, I’m experiencing waves of resentment towards my ex-husband. It was ostensibly a mutual decision but the more distance I get, the more I feel angry about how he behaved in the marriage. He was neglectful and judgmental. He undermined most of my decisions and constantly put me down. 

I don’t understand why I find myself heartbroken three years on, but I do and I don’t want to be in communication with him at all – which is obviously tricky given we have two children. I feel furious and lost.

- Desolate Divorcée

Dear Desolate Divorcee,

As you know, divorce is excruciatingly difficult. It can drive us to wild fury and hopelessness as we dismantle everything we have created and attempt to turn into two new lives, all the while protecting our children. But you did it. Successfully. Huge congratulations on that achievement.

You may believe that only now are you able to see the marriage for what it really was. But distance does not always deliver empiric truth. As you continue to grieve the relationship you may – for a while, become increasingly sensitive to the bruises that past behaviours imprinted on your soul. The injustices. 

You may be doing something perfectly ordinary – choosing a paint colour or roasting a chicken – and suddenly all the old criticisms coming flooding back, and you feel floored that your ex-partner’s negative voice is still in your head. But, as all this uncomfortable stuff is happening, you are growing out of the ashes of your marriage. Independence is taking root.

You could write a letter to him. A letter that you are in no way going to send but nonetheless wouldn’t mind being printed on the front page of this newspaper because it is not about accusation. It is about clarity. Write it with absolute precision. Get your feelings in order. Be honest. Take responsibility. And then, maybe with a trusted friend or qualified relationship therapist, you could go through it and decide how to proceed.

By virtue of your amicable divorce, you have managed, by staying sane and sympathetic, to create an incredibly fertile environment for you to say to him, “I’m feeling complicated and sad about some things that happened in the past. Do you think we can respectfully talk about them?” 

Never speaking to him again is not a solution. It might be more helpful to hear his side of the story. Your marriage may have ended but, if you want to functionally co-parent and find peace then the communication work is not done. You will learn things. It will probably be painful and also helpful. When you tell him that you felt neglected, he might say, “Yes, I’m sorry. I was neglectful. 

But it was because I was feeling panicked about the fact that my feelings had changed and it made me a bit cruel.” Or something like, “Well, you say I was neglectful. I would say that you were constantly angry with me and were so obviously unhappy that all I could do was give you distance.” Who knows? But he will be experiencing his own wisdom of hindsight.

If he is open to the idea – he might have things he wants to get off his chest – you could go to a couple’s counsellor or a mediator together. We know many happily married people who regularly see a couple’s counsellor for a relationship MOT. So why not think of it as a divorce MOT? After all, you got married for a reason. You got divorced for a reason. You have been able to manage your divorce amicably for a reason. 

There will be reasons why it’s in both of your interests for you to continue your journey together. And not just because you are co-parents. You can honour what you have lived through together because an ended marriage isn’t necessarily a failed marriage. And if you let these resentments run you; if you allow them to take root and fester, you might struggle to move healthily or hopefully forwards.

Don’t worry if he shuts down the conversation. It might be that he isn’t ready to look at this stuff, yet. The fact that you are doing the work and taking responsibility and daring to look deeply at the way things played out will help your healing. We know you are feeling frustrated at what feels like an emotional regression, but grief does not operate on a strict timetable.

You are heartbroken because you are grieving for the woman who felt undermined and judged – now that you are not that woman anymore. It is entirely appropriate to be experiencing all these feelings. You have loved, you have lost and now you are finding yourself again. None of this is forever. Go gently, DD, it will be all right in the end. And if it’s not all right, it’s not the end.

More from The Midults: ‘I'm dreading Christmas drinks with my old school friends – what should I do?’