I kissed a colleague on a work ski trip and now have to face him again
He is everything your mother tells you to avoid – but I’m still thrilled by the idea of him
Every year in January my firm does a corporate ski trip to Courchevel in France. It’s the highlight of the firm’s annual events and I usually love going, but this year I find myself dreading it and desperately thinking of ways to get out of going.
Last year I had a drunken kiss with a man from another branch of our firm. Nothing else happened but I am dreading seeing him again.
I’m happily married – two years now – with no children. My husband and I work long hours in corporate law, we earn very well and have a fantastic lifestyle. He’s a decent, hard-working man and very good-looking. I have no idea why I kissed this man on the last ski trip but I do remember thinking about him a lot in the weeks afterwards, as if I were a naïve teenager.
Now, as the next trip is approaching, a list of all the attendees has been shared and I saw his name. I feel sick because I got butterflies with excitement.
I’ve had various opportunities to drop out of the trip, but I just haven’t. I keep telling myself it is expected that people attend and a bit of a black mark against your name if you don’t. Really though, I know in my heart of hearts that I could come up with any number of excuses.
This man isn’t the type I’d normally be attracted to. He is everything my husband is not – arrogant, overly charming, narcissistic and the classic “bad boy”. I’ve heard people talk of him as a bachelor with apartments here and there around the world. He is everything your mother tells you to avoid. But I’m still thrilled by the idea of him.
The other night my husband and I were curled up on Sunday afternoon watching a Christmas movie and I had to rush upstairs and cry alone. He is so earnest, trusting and loving and I just feel disgusted with myself.
Why have I not pulled out? Why am I not finding reasons to avoid it? The truth is, I want to see this man again. I am going, knowing full well if he tries it on again during some drunk après-ski, I will let him. I absolutely loathe myself over this – and nothing serious has even happened. Yet.
Some nights I find myself thinking about this man, about what would happen if things went further. I often fantasise about him and on dull commutes home think only of him. His Lothario status and terrible reputation only make the whole thing more exciting. This is completely against my personality and everything I believe in. I have no idea why I am behaving like this.
Now there are just a few weeks to go until the trip. My skiwear is ready, I’m booked on the flight and my accommodation is organised. Round-robin emails are going out about events, the itinerary and dinners. Instead of thinking about how I can avoid him, I’m planning what to wear and how I can catch his eye again.
The guilt is enormous.
My husband wants us to go to the Caribbean just after the ski trip and I just cannot get excited about it until I’ve got this situation out of the way first.
I don’t know what to expect. Would I run away with this stranger? Would I want a future with him? Would I leave my husband? I’m horrified to say I do not know the answer.
Read last week's column: ‘My New Year’s resolution is to get a divorce – but the guilt is awful’