Judging by that brilliantine smile of his – a fluorescent grin, the kind you’d see on Love Island – our Prime Minister rarely strays far from the dentist’s chair. Labour’s Cat Smith, therefore, opened PMQs with a biting question; how long had the PM waited for his last dental appointment?
“Very wealthy man pays for healthcare” always seems like a “dog-bites-man” story. Yet Sunak seized the opportunity to cauterise the open wound; announcing that he was registered with an NHS GP, after all (thereby making waiting lists longer by one, thanks Rishi).
He also confessed to using private healthcare in the past, in the style of a politician admitting previous recreational drug use. Sunak avoided directly answering Smith’s dentistry question, but his pearly-white gnashers told their own story.
Having done teeth, we moved seamlessly onto tits. Matt Hancock was in the House (no, not the Big Brother house) – thrashing around in his seat in hopes of catching the Speaker’s eye.
Every school has a pupil who will invariably appear each week on the lists for detention and whose name is met with a sigh from members of staff; in the nursery of the Conservative Party that reprobate is Andrew Bridgen.
He has been involved in movements to oust every Tory leader from David Cameron onwards. If God himself were to lead the Conservative Party, Andrew Bridgen would still find a reason to write to Sir Graham Brady about him. Bridgen, who if metaphysics permitted, would fall out with himself, has recently been embroiled in a long-running legal case against his own family’s potato farm.
His newest target was the Covid vaccine which he’d tastefully declared the “biggest crime against humanity since the Holocaust”.
After 20 minutes of ominous bobbing, the former health secretary and future pub quiz question called on the PM to condemn Bridgen’s “disgusting, antisemitic” remarks. Hancock vs Bridgen was a tussle recalling Henry Kissinger’s verdict on the Iran/Iraq war: “It’s a pity they both can’t lose”.
Shortly afterwards, it was announced that Bridgen would lose the whip – thus joining the serried ranks of Chris Pincher, Claudia “acid” Webbe, Rob Roberts, various other MPs pending investigation and… one M Hancock.
I tell you what, the Independent MPs’ caucus would be one hell of an awkward Christmas bash.
Sunak vs Starmer proved less fruity; though the PM turned in a punchy performance, slamming Labour’s plans for the NHS with brio. In response, Sir Keir offered squawked aphorisms like “when I clapped nurses, I meant it” – which sounded like a rejected gag from one of the later, cruder Carry On films.
Conservative backbenchers surveying the polls nowadays might be forgiven for looking glum. But perhaps gallows humour was the order of the day because the Tory hecklers were out in force. One backbencher cut off Starmer mid-diatribe on NHS waiting lists. “Between 2010 and 2019”, moaned the Leader of the Opposition, “before anyone had heard of Covid –”
“Or you!” came the inevitable jeer from the back.
As Sir Keir faded to grey, it was left to Plaid Cymru to provide light relief. Step forward Liz Saville-Roberts, who spent so long issuing her valedictory paean to Gareth Bale that the mic sputtered out and she was left mouthing her way to the end. Eventually, Lindsay Hoyle cut her off altogether. “You can’t go on forever, Liz!” he moaned. Wanna bet?
Starmer squawked aphorisms as Sunak clenched his teeth - but gallows humour saved the day
Tory hecklers on the backbench were out in force, cutting off the Labour leader mid-diatribe on NHS waiting lists and fading him to grey