How to manage Christmas after bereavement

Every December when I decorate the tree with my two young daughters, a small hand-knitted angel that their grandmother made them takes pride of place at the top of the tree. It’s our way of remembering my mother, who died in 2018, aged just 67, after a short battle with cancer. It’s also our only way of including her in the family Christmases she loved so much.

“Grief is the price we pay for love,” the late Queen Elizabeth famously said. And for those of us who have lost a loved one, Christmas is often a time when that price feels greater than usual. Especially when it’s your first one without them.

“The first Christmas after losing somebody important in your life is very significant,” says bereavement expert Julia Samuel, author of Grief Works. “Their absence is so painful. There’s a hole in your celebrations where that person should be.”

This Christmas will of course be the Royal family’s first without the late Queen, around whom the festivities traditionally revolved with members of her family travelling to Sandringham, her Norfolk estate, to spend time together. As a nation, this will also be the first Christmas without her.

“The weeks leading up to Christmas Day can often be even more painful than the day itself,” says Samuel. “They are associated with celebration and ritual. The smell of the tree, the food, the songs, the family traditions, going home, going to loved ones’ houses. Right now, if you’ve lost somebody, you may feel like your body is working faster than you’re thinking, or you may get these big crashing waves of feelings and not know what they are. They’re grief. You’re dealing with the invisibility of the person who despite not being there, you can still sense. And this is particularly resonant at this time of year.”

Sue Gill is a volunteer at the bereavement charity Cruse. “When you’re grieving, the thought of celebrating Christmas can be really daunting,” she says. But there are several things that may help.

For starters, consider in advance how you want to spend the day. “You may not feel the need to celebrate Christmas at all, or you might find sticking to at least some of your normal traditions is the best way to support your family and pay tribute to the person who died,” says Gill. “What’s important is to do what’s right for you and try not to feel pressured into doing anything you’re not comfortable with.”

Samuel, who has worked with those who have gone abroad over Christmas or volunteered instead, says: “Lots of people decide they don’t want to do Christmas at all. Particularly if it’s their first Christmas without a loved one or if the person they’ve lost is a child. Memories of past Christmases can be comforting, but they can also be too much of a nice thing and too painful.”

Gill recommends staying away from social media and avoiding certain films if you find the images of cosy families upsetting. But it’s also important to accept that others may have a different way of grieving to you: “We know that people mourn in different ways, and sometimes families can find it difficult when they have different ideas about how to grieve and this can lead to arguments,” she says. “Do try to be sensitive to others’ needs.”

Different generations may behave differently around the issue of grief, particularly those who are older. “They often may not express their sadness externally, but that’s not because they don’t care, it’s because they’re frightened of it,” says Samuel.

Gill advises trying to maintain a routine where possible, by keeping to your regular patterns of sleeping and eating. Which brings her to her final point: “Look after yourself,” she says. “It’s tempting to drink more than usual over Christmas, and you may think a drink will help numb the pain, but this only provides temporary relief. Eating and sleeping well, and incorporating some movement into every day, will be far more beneficial.”

Ultimately, says Samuel, you need to give yourself a breather. “If you want to drink hot chocolate under a duvet, do it,” she says. “I have what I call ‘mini rituals’: let yourself cry; go to church; visit their grave; or sit and look through their memory box and cry some more. Find ways to express your loss, because to heal you have to allow yourself to feel the pain. However, you also need to distract yourself with joy. If you just sit in a puddle of grief and wallow, the misery builds. If you just distract yourself, the grief will come up and bite you. You need both pain and joy to heal.”

Finally, don’t berate yourself if this is your second, third, or 30th Christmas without a loved one and it’s still just as painful as the first. “People think time is a healer but when you really love somebody and they die, time changes the intensity of the pain but at peak moments like Christmas it can still feel very intense,” says Samuel. “Allow it. Don’t beat yourself up that you should be over it by now, and do something every year to remember them by.’

Which in my case is to glance up at Mum’s angel and take heart from the fact that, in her own small way, she’s still a part of our family Christmases after all.