‘My girlfriend's family Christmas is very formal – ours is always a drunken haze. Will I regret going?’
They all dress up and sit down to a six-course meal before exchanging presents while singing carols at the piano
Dear A&E,
I’ve agreed to spend Christmas Day with my new girlfriend’s family – we’ve only been dating six months! I suffer with social anxiety and I’m really regretting it now, because they have a very formal day where they all dress up and sit down to a six-course meal before exchanging presents while singing carols at the piano. At my parents’ house we drink two bottles of champagne by lunchtime and somehow muddle through lunch in a drunken haze... How do I get through it?
Love,
- Panicked
Dear Panicked,
Maybe it’s the constant flashing of the tree lights that makes us feel mad; like there’s a twinkling tic in the corner of our eyes. Maybe it’s the pressure of presents/pudding/parents. Maybe it’s the carolling or the John Lewis advert or the fact that we are all still processing that unprecedented thing that shall not be named. But everything is heightened; all our emotions feel tinselly: shiny and scratchy. And that is just when it comes to our own Christmases, let alone what you’re about to face – Other People’s Christmas.
OPCs feel wrong. It’s like getting into someone else’s driving seat and immediately wanting to adjust everything – you have no idea how on earth anyone can drive like that. Why are they not drinking from 8am? Why are presents after lunch? What do you mean, beef? Crackers to the right? Why is there no cheese? Not only that, but you will be seeing your (new) girlfriend starring in her most aggressive version of “This Is How We Do Things”.
People are pathologically protective of their own Christmas rituals: your own family day sounds like it has its own rules, even if the rules are total collapse. But take away “the piano” and “the posh outfit” and just look at “the spending Christmas in your new girlfriend’s family”. Social anxiety or not, suit-and-tie or not, anyone would feel concerned, unless they’re a sociopath. This is daunting stuff, away from the easy intimacy you have built up over the past six months together. Away from the safety net of your usual Christmas situation.
Perhaps we might suggest a reframe? Your girlfriend’s family clearly go big on Christmas ritual. Although this might feel like the wrong knickers, you never know, you might enjoy the frills. We are not fans of positive mental-attitude slogans, but we do like “fake it to make it” because, often, it works. This is the stance we think you should adopt. Summon all the cheer you can and slide through the day in a Christmas glaze. Smiling. It’s one day. Just a day. Fake it – everyone else does.
Remember that the idea of Christmas creates a kind of nostalgic filter – a euphoric recall, if you like – which is completely illusory. Emilie has had quite a complex relationship with Christmas over the years. Complicated families meant the “cousin-filled Christmases” of her earliest memories soon turned into spreadsheet situations, with endless shuttling from house to house: Christmas Eve here, Christmas Day there, Boxing Day with so-and-so.
It was only in her 20s that she felt she could reclaim it, before marriage whirligigged it away again and along came a whole new set of negotiations. Everyone everywhere scrambles to conjure up Christmas magic and to plaster over their problems. Your girlfriend’s family will be no different – strip away the formality and there will be dysfunction and chaos. You just need to take a deep breath and temporarily slip into their stream. They are not postcard perfect. They are just... trying.
On a practical level, if you feel intimidated, why not be helpful? One of the advantages of your girlfriend’s Christmas style is that it sounds very organised, so find yourself something to do. Hide in plain sight, rather than in your room – families are savage about new relationships and they love to remind siblings of “Pete who never came downstairs” or “Lucas who ate the last potato”. But the person who did the washing-up is unimpeachable, and it is the perfect job for anyone with social anxiety – no eye contact, minimal people, safety of the kitchen. Possible bonding with her mother. You will be praised but not pressured.
Do not get nervously drunk. For all the reasons above (“Panicked who got p----d”), but also because you will not like yourself for it, and neither will your girlfriend. Be present – that’s the present. Avoid the family a---hole (there’s always one) and find the person, aside from your girlfriend, who matches your energy. Ask questions – if you are worried about being interesting, then be interested. The last thing to do is to make sure that you have a very gentle Boxing Day, because you’re going to be extremely tired.
Good luck and go well, Panicked. Remember, Christmas comes but once a year. And, for many, that’s a reason to be cheerful.