‘I'm about to be a gran at 53 and the idea horrifies me’

My daughter is facing a major life change unexpectedly. And as a result, so am I – ready or not

I know a new baby in the family is a joy in theory, it’s going to change my own life in ways I’m not ready to cope with
I know a new baby in the family is a joy in theory, it’s going to change my own life in ways I’m not ready to cope with Credit: Lorna Milligan

I keep reading that at 53, I’m at the peak of my life – I have enough money, a good work-life balance, I’m fit and healthy and, with luck, I’ve still got years left ahead. I’ve also recently begun a very promising long-distance relationship with a fellow divorcé, and we’ve been making all kinds of exciting travel plans for next year, as we’d both love to see more of the world.

What I hadn’t factored in was my 24-year-old daughter suddenly discovering that she’s pregnant. It was an accident, but the dad – her boyfriend, who she’s been with since university – is fully on-board, and they both have jobs and a rented flat. After the initial surprise, of course, I told her I was thrilled, but I have to be honest: while I know a new baby in the family is a joy in theory, in practice it’s going to change my own life in ways I’m not ready to cope with.

Her dad hasn’t been on the scene for many years. I’m a single parent and I’ve always been close to my daughter. It came as a relief, though, when she left university and began her independent life. I still see her regularly and we talk often on the phone, but it’s given me time and space to build my career and travel more. I feel my second act is just getting going.
Now, however, it’s ground to a halt – because I feel I have to be the sort of gran her baby deserves and offer ongoing practical support to my daughter.

My late mum was a wonderful granny and I always hoped I’d be able to give the same to my own grandchildren: baking, long country walks, reading stories, playing games – the things working parents don’t always have time to do, but grandparents, at least in theory, do. In my happy fantasies, though, I was at least 10 years older than I am now, settled down and ready to devote myself to the needs of my family.

Of course, I want to be there for my daughter. This is a huge life change and although she’s ready for the challenge, I know it’s not going to be easy, particularly as none of her friends are anywhere near the baby stage yet. Her boyfriend’s parents live hundreds of miles away, whereas I live within easy driving distance.

It would be immensely churlish of me not to offer all the help I can. I know, too, that when the baby is born, I’ll adore it and want to spend plenty of time with him or her, cuddling and playing. I’m glad I’m still young and fit enough to enjoy the years ahead fully. I want to be able to take the pressure off my daughter, and help with childcare regularly, or take the baby for a weekend when they need a break. I know how relentless small children are, and she’ll need all the back-up I can give her.

I just wish with all my heart that this hadn’t happened right now. I don’t think my lovely new man is ready to be a step-grandad, and this will put a spoke in our wheels when it comes to travel plans. I won’t want to be away for three months at a time, working from a camper van – I’ll want to be with my family. I’m worried it might end the relationship altogether, because he fell in love with a fancy-free midlifer, not a heavily-committed grandma.

I haven’t told him yet, and I’m not sure I’m ready. I haven’t even come to terms with it myself.

My daughter is facing a major life change unexpectedly. And as a result, so am I – ready or not.


Read last week's column: ‘I’m avoiding my friend because she’ll put my children on Instagram’