Dear Richard Madeley: ‘I don't want to go on a cruise with my childhood bestie’

Dear Richard,

I have had a difficult life, having experienced domestic violence as a child, the deaths of half my immediate family in my 20s, a lengthy controlling relationship and mental health issues. All of which I have managed to overcome with therapy, medication and the love of my child and my grandchild. Now in my 60s, I do not have many friends as, not trusting people, I take a long time to get to know them. 

My dilemma is with an old ‘bestie’ from childhood. She has made it clear that I am only acceptable company if I am cheerful all the time. At school, I played the clown and was popular. No one knew what was going on at home and it was exhausting. She has no idea who I am and seems to disapprove of my having had therapy. 

I left home and we lost touch. Decades later, she suddenly phoned me each time one of her parents died. I offered compassion for her loss but she didn’t like what I had to say, having a sudden outburst of indignation when I mentioned bereavement counselling.

This would all be well and good except that she has invited me to join her on a short cruise in the spring, and I have accepted. It seemed that she was lonely, and it was a very kind gesture. Only I don’t want to be the light-hearted person she probably still expects me to be, and I don’t want us to argue about therapy in the middle of the Baltic. 

But if I try and lay this out for her in advance of the trip, suggesting that unless we reach some sort of accord on these issues it’s best if I cancel, then I’ll feel as if I am holding her to ransom. What should I do?

— Arnold, Manchester

Dear Arnold,

What should you do? I think I speak for most of my readers who’ve just read your letter. All together now: ‘CANCEL!’
Of course you can’t go on this trip with your ‘friend’ (inverted commas intended). It’ll be an unmitigated disaster. Here’s why. You say, for historic (and moving) reasons, that you have few friends. Well let me tell you something about true friendship, Arnold. Like true love, it’s unconditional. Your ‘bestie’ has laid down absurd pre-conditions for her friendship with you. You are only ‘acceptable company’ if you are ‘cheerful all the time’. What arrant nonsense! No one is cheerful all the time! I’m certainly not. I don’t know anyone who is. 

And why should you have to justify or even deny your experience of therapy? Who is she to call the shots on how someone who’s been through what you have should process the experience?

I find it most instructive that this person only ‘reaches out’ to you when she is faced with a crisis of her own. Now, you say, she’s lonely, and wants your company on this cruise – but only on her terms! She’s willing to pay for you, but only if you’re ‘Mr Cheerful’ throughout the trip. I don’t call that ‘a very kind gesture’, Arnold. It’s controlling behaviour, pure and simple – and I think you’ve had enough of that, haven’t you?

I suppose you could tell her that you’ll only join her on this trip if she takes you as she finds you: that is, on your own terms. But I predict a frosty response.

You say it takes you a long while to develop new friendships, so your time is precious. Don’t waste any more of it on this shallow user.

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