‘I have lost three close friends – am I the problem?’

Dear A&E,

I’ve lost three “best friends” of 35-plus years’ standing and it’s making me so sad, especially since I finally found a nice partner after 28 years of miserable marriage. The first was annoyed because I couldn’t make her son’s wedding in Brazil, the second because her daughter – my goddaughter who rented my flat – was the world’s worst tenant and incredibly rude. The third because I made an unfortunate joke about her son-in-law’s weight a year ago and she has now decided to drop me. Is it me? Or a reminder that everything has its season? 

- Friendless

Dear Friendless,

Is it me? We gnaw at that question, don’t we? It is rarely just you.

We’ve thought a lot about your letter and the way that one ill-judged, off-hand remark, or some unfortunate timing (you say in your longer letter that you couldn’t make the wedding in Brazil because it was four days after your son’s, for example) can have such a seismic, shattering effect on relationships that might have once seemed invincible. How one faultline can expose the fatal weakness in a friendship and lead to an earth-shattering rupture. But rarely is it just one tiny thing. And rarely is it just you.

The first thing that jumped out at us is your mention of a new, happy relationship. It is often the case that people become accustomed to their friends occupying a certain role. In your case perhaps it was probably something like “the poor, miserably married one”. That was the rhetoric they were used to from you. So even though – in their conscious minds – they were delighted by your newfound romance and happiness, the moment that you went off-script, they might have had a reflex reaction of: “Who does she think she is? How dare she?”

This stuff can rear its ugly head in all manner of altered circumstances – from when a friend loses weight to when their finances shift dramatically – because people see their lives refracted through the prism of their friendships and these change can feel quite unmooring. Suddenly you are not “oppressed friend” but “critical friend”. Or even “smug, critical friend”. Inevitably this casts light on what they may be trying to hide or protect – the demanding daughter, the depressed son-in-law – and then vigorously defend it, at all costs. So no, it isn’t just you.

The other thing we want to say is that lifelong friendships are an obstacle course. Everything has context and the context of our lives change. We change as we get bashed about by life a bit. People build defence mechanisms that can be activated by even the most beloved of old friends. They need the present to be more powerful than the pull of the past. And so drawbridges are raised and ruptures happen.

Of course you are heartbroken. All that love; all that time; all that shared experience… just gone. People tend to talk about heartbreak in terms of romantic relationships, but really we suffer broken hearts for losses of all kinds. The loss of friendship needs to be grieved, and like most grief it will fade. So it’s up to you, Friendless. You can chalk this down to life and assume, as you say, that everything has its time. Or you can see it as an opportunity.

There’s a saying in recovery circles: if three people tell you something, then you need to have a listen. We hope we are saying this without activating your self-loathing, but you could think about the part you have played in these break-ups and what you might take responsibility for. Perhaps talk to a therapist or someone you really trust to give you an unbiased perspective. Because if you really, really mind, you will need to make yourself vulnerable. Vulnerability is where the healing happens: it’s where beautiful things can grow.

Maybe these friendship are over or maybe they are preparing for their next incarnation. Write your friends wholehearted letters – not dissertations or diatribes – where you tell them how much they mean to you, how unhappy this has made you and what you’d like to take responsibility for. Ask them for their thoughts on what happened; you will find that there will be surprises woven into the fabric of the situation because there always are.

If everyone can switch from a blame game to a mutual understanding game then you are giving yourself and your relationships the best possible chance. Some things have expiry dates and some have new shoots. Communication and courageous curiosity will help you discover which is which.

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